2 years ago on this day (2/6/10, day before the Superbowl), my life changed forever. 2 years ago at this very moment, I was lying in a hospital bed, falling in and out of sleep and in and out of disbelief. I woke up in shock, all night, as nurses would wake me every few hours to poke needles in my stomach to inject insulin, and poke my raw fingers with large, thick, hospital-grade lancets. Still in disbelief and denial, I would secretly throw away the pills they tried to give me (vitamins, potassium and iron). They said I had deficiencies and I hated them for it. I hated everything about being there. I didn't want anything from them, I just wanted to wake up from the nightmare.
I try to recall everything about that day, but I don't remember the little things, like the weather, or what I woke up thinking about that morning. I remember getting up late after a long night of being ill and around 3:00pm sitting at a coffee shop, calling my sister and mentioning I hadn't been feeling well all week. And that's the turning point. From there on out, I remember EVERYTHING about that day.
Today, I keep looking up at the clock. I was sure I'd greet today with a smile and sense of accomplishment, but instead I've been a little sad. Because when I woke up on February 6, 2010, I didn't know that my life was about to change. I had no idea what I was about to walk into. I look back on myself and I want to warn her, then comfort her, tell her it's going to be a tough road that wouldn't be ending anytime soon. It plays over and over in my mind. I just want to rip my pump off and prove to the world that I can function JUST FINE without it. I want to prove to myself that I don't need this.
My doctors say I can live a "normal" life with diabetes. What do they define as "normal?" This isn't normal. I still remember "normal" and it was nothing like this. Normal is waking up and eating whatever the hell I want all day without thinking about it. Normal doesn't involve needles. Normal was spending $300 on a handbag, not test strips. And if one more diabetes educator tells me this is my "new normal" I might punch her in the throat. If you are diabetes educator reading this, please don't do that. For God's sake, just admit that this ISN'T normal, but that it just is what it is. The last thing we need is to question our sanity on top of having to deal with the 'betes hourly.
Alright, I got that off my chest. And I'm sorry, that was a complete rant. I actually do feel better. Maybe now I can accomplish today what I set out to do, focus on my accomplishments over the last two years and set goals for the next.
Now if you'll excuse me, I've got some celebrating to do.
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